But it is what it is, our story..
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There is a
scene at near the end of the movie The Chorus where the unjustly fired music
teacher Clement Mathieu is made to leave his school without saying goodbye to
the pupils. The boys having been primed
by the school caretaker throw paper aeroplanes through the dormitory window covered
with written thank you, goodbye and we’ll miss you messages. These paper
missiles land at Mathieu’s feet as he is leaving and he scoops them up to read,
looks up at the small waving hands, smiles ruefully and takes a handful with
him on his way.
When mum
died we didn’t get the opportunity to say goodbye - a combination of us living a
hundred miles away and her slipping away sooner than expected. I'm honestly not quite sure what we or I would
have said in the situation if she had been conscious. Love was awkward in expressing itself and mum tended to show it by doing rather than saying things.
In my early 20's I do remember a couple of instances of where she told other people things about me, rather than saying them directly to me. At the time I simply did not have the emotional understanding that I could question why:
A note she had left on a table written to an aunt of ours, detailed how beautiful my engagement ring looked and how she loved it on my delicate finger (I am a tiny size J).
A friend of mine after my wedding day told me she overheard mum say to someone else on the day how beautiful she thought I looked.
A note she had left on a table written to an aunt of ours, detailed how beautiful my engagement ring looked and how she loved it on my delicate finger (I am a tiny size J).
A friend of mine after my wedding day told me she overheard mum say to someone else on the day how beautiful she thought I looked.
Love for me in
the written and spoken words to others
Adoration shone through on the many photos she was in with her grandchildren.
Love for us
in her beautiful face
Mum died in the
autumn of 2008 just into her 71st year. Her funeral was packed with family, friends
from church, neighbours, work colleagues and friends of ours who had known her. Dad had worried about doing the church
service before family and close friends went to the crematorium, because he thought people would drift away.
Had we not done it that way round, the damp drizzly November day would
have not cleared a little as we were driven away from the crematorium to reveal
a glorious rainbow arcing in the sky right over the place we had just left.
Her love left
in our hearts
The people
who attended the funeral and wanted to see us had stayed at the church, not
least because of the tantalising catering gifts of the church ladies. I made my way round as many tables as I could
and it is the exchanges with some of mum and dad’s neighbours that has
stuck with me. One of them Sandra cleaned for mum for a number of years, a loquacious lady whom I’m sure mum would not have readily chosen as a close
friend. When mum knew she was dying she
had told Sandra and how she felt. Sandra spoke back to me mum's thoughts over a slab of cheesecake, ‘I’m happy now
I know that B (our 2nd son) has got into his first choice of
university and C (our daughter) well, she’ll just be OK whatever she does.’ I am so grateful Sandra stayed at the church and communicated those words to me, because they were:
A love
message to me from mum
I'll not underestimate the difficult journey it has sometimes been to get to this place, to be able to see the love notes, for what they really are. But the really special letter, this was the one that started it all.
I'll not underestimate the difficult journey it has sometimes been to get to this place, to be able to see the love notes, for what they really are. But the really special letter, this was the one that started it all.
After someone
dies there is the difficult task of sifting through their possessions and
deciding what to do with them. In
amongst some of the papers in mum's bedside drawer was a letter she wrote to
someone in the days after I was born. She
had a difficult birth, started at home and ended in hospital. It is likely that
I was oxygen deprived during delivery and medical staff had given her a few
worst case scenarios on that one. Forceps had left some unattractive marks
on my head. But the letter was simply full of a new mother basking in her baby’s beauty, being so in love with the precious bundle before her, abounding in phrases like poppet and sweet little thing.
I am hopeful
that I can find that letter again after Dad has gone. And I know no matter what happens or what I do God looks on me as the most beautiful thing He has ever seen, every time He looks at me.
I am loved unconditionally simply because I am His.
In the weight of the words in mum's letter, but a thousand times over.
I am loved unconditionally simply because I am His.
In the weight of the words in mum's letter, but a thousand times over.
I love you
mum x
Here is the clip from The Chorus is (it is in French but I’m sure most of you will be able to recognise the majority of the words on the paper aeroplanes from classroom French). Even better if you’ve not seen it, get the whole movie on DVD – it has English subtitles!
Here is the clip from The Chorus is (it is in French but I’m sure most of you will be able to recognise the majority of the words on the paper aeroplanes from classroom French). Even better if you’ve not seen it, get the whole movie on DVD – it has English subtitles!
My mom loved and still loves by doing also. I have no doubt of her faithful, sacrificial love!
ReplyDeleteHi there, thanks for reading! I'm glad for me too it is the positives that now remain
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